Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.