LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Happens to everyone.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
That’s a good costume, I hope.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
OMG 🤣🤣
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I think the cat got the dog high.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.