i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
You Might Also Like
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Happy thanksgiving
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Phones down.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.