FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.