Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.