Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe