brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
🙂🐾
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car