[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?