[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.