Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: