imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Meow
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally