*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.