Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*