My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!