“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My dad.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Air conditioning – not a fan