You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.