I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You Might Also Like
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas