I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
North and South
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12