“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You Might Also Like
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Wise advice
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small