Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.