Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
early stone age tool
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”