My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft