FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk