My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.