My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like