sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Who.
Did.
This?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx