Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
You Might Also Like
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
when mom throws a party…
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
#math
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
#JohnTravolta
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.