My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
When the stylist spins you back around
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
This will never not be funny to me.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.