I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity