School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.