Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
honestly, i need both:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
FINE, I WON’T.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”