I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
TODAY
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”