I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know