he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.