The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow