As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
When someone says you are so lazy
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever