NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”