Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens