14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
yeah not falling for this one
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
True.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My wedding will be open casket.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on