My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
same energy
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
asked my bf how work was today
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.