I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.