Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
More like Kate Missington.