me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
WTF IS THAT!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.