guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
lost dog
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous