*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.