I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled