The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much