I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
omg leave her alone
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.