Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
a fate I wish upon no one
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]