if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg